When one could just be left, it hurts

I was hurt. That I guess I had to admit. Not because I felt like he did something wrong against me or what. It’s just that it feels odd that someone can just raise his hand, say he feels like he needs rest, he needs break, he needs time for himself when all one did was to value the person, and yeah, love the person.

When is exactly the right time to say, I need time for myself, I need to have take a break from this relationship, to say, I need to think about what we have first? Is there a proper time for it? Then maybe I could have had that several months back, then perhaps, I have let go of that person long time ago when I was in deep pain, when I was drastically hurt like no other feeling mammal. But maybe it’s my fault that I decided to bear the pain, that I decide to rather cling to this relationship (if you can still call it as such now) when I could have just said I need to think about what we have, when I could have just said I’m so choked, I’m so hurt, I need time to breathe. I could have, but I didn’t because I was told that love is not love if you don’t go through pain. I could have, had I not told that love easily forgives; I could have hadn’t I known deep inside me that I need to fight for the person and for the relationship against all odds-against myself, against people who want to destroy what we have, against his own flaws, against fate.

Love does not keep records of wrongs, a passage in the bible clearly puts. Yeah, I don’t but when time comes that I am being hurt like this, I can’t help but think of the times when I endured the most painful of all the pain man could possibly feel because I want to keep the relationship thriving. I could have given up, I could have said this is too much, I could have raised a white flag and say I retreat because I will never win a battle I waged against myself but I didn’t because I know that I had to be selfless to accommodate another person in my life, because I know that this is how is it to be committed, to be mature, to allow someone to get into my-once-upon-a-time solo life. I know giving up means letting go of commitment-unwritten it maybe but considered the strongest-that love ties the strongest.

Now, I think I don’t deserve as much amount of patience, of humility to be left alone.

But now, more than any other time in my life, I think I don’t have to fight for him, for the relationship. I’ve done enough fighting whether he thinks I did or not. If what I’m or have been is unbecoming of someone who’s into a relationship, then I am not worthy. If this is the time to let go, then I might as well do. My limbs are tired to keep holding on, my heart has been beaten several times. At least I know deep inside me I have been faithful, I had enough skirmishing, and I kept what has to be kept. I don’t have much effort to exert, scarcely enough energy to fight. I fought with fate before, I will fight no more. Now, fate assumes its role-a role that I stole from it for the longest time.

Again, this is not my story. This is just too cheesy to be mine. This is someone else’s who’s just too afraid to lose someone he values, someone whose sacrifices not been heard, someone who commits mistakes and is taken- in the wrong light all the time. This is a confession from someone who could be left when the going gets tough and the tough gets going but cannot leave anyone when the same situation occurs to him.