I was hurt. That I guess I had to admit. Not because I felt like he did something wrong against me or what. It’s just that it feels odd that someone can just raise his hand, say he feels like he needs rest, he needs break, he needs time for himself when all one did was to value the person, and yeah, love the person.
When is exactly the right time to say, I need time for myself, I need to have take a break from this relationship, to say, I need to think about what we have first? Is there a proper time for it? Then maybe I could have had that several months back, then perhaps, I have let go of that person long time ago when I was in deep pain, when I was drastically hurt like no other feeling mammal. But maybe it’s my fault that I decided to bear the pain, that I decide to rather cling to this relationship (if you can still call it as such now) when I could have just said I need to think about what we have, when I could have just said I’m so choked, I’m so hurt, I need time to breathe. I could have, but I didn’t because I was told that love is not love if you don’t go through pain. I could have, had I not told that love easily forgives; I could have hadn’t I known deep inside me that I need to fight for the person and for the relationship against all odds-against myself, against people who want to destroy what we have, against his own flaws, against fate.
Love does not keep records of wrongs, a passage in the bible clearly puts. Yeah, I don’t but when time comes that I am being hurt like this, I can’t help but think of the times when I endured the most painful of all the pain man could possibly feel because I want to keep the relationship thriving. I could have given up, I could have said this is too much, I could have raised a white flag and say I retreat because I will never win a battle I waged against myself but I didn’t because I know that I had to be selfless to accommodate another person in my life, because I know that this is how is it to be committed, to be mature, to allow someone to get into my-once-upon-a-time solo life. I know giving up means letting go of commitment-unwritten it maybe but considered the strongest-that love ties the strongest.
Now, I think I don’t deserve as much amount of patience, of humility to be left alone.
But now, more than any other time in my life, I think I don’t have to fight for him, for the relationship. I’ve done enough fighting whether he thinks I did or not. If what I’m or have been is unbecoming of someone who’s into a relationship, then I am not worthy. If this is the time to let go, then I might as well do. My limbs are tired to keep holding on, my heart has been beaten several times. At least I know deep inside me I have been faithful, I had enough skirmishing, and I kept what has to be kept. I don’t have much effort to exert, scarcely enough energy to fight. I fought with fate before, I will fight no more. Now, fate assumes its role-a role that I stole from it for the longest time.
Again, this is not my story. This is just too cheesy to be mine. This is someone else’s who’s just too afraid to lose someone he values, someone whose sacrifices not been heard, someone who commits mistakes and is taken- in the wrong light all the time. This is a confession from someone who could be left when the going gets tough and the tough gets going but cannot leave anyone when the same situation occurs to him.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Could never be worse
I am just too stressed out this afternoon. Here’s how my day has been. I woke up at 6a.m. I almost thought I’m going to die because of my severe back pain. I could hardly get up because it seemed like my body has been paralyzed for 12 hours. I would want to stay in the comfort of my cold bed but my back pain sucked my sanity off. I decided to endure the pain until I could’t anymore. I got a cup of coffee then a slice of cake that I have been storing in my personal ref that now stinks because I haven’t cleaned it for ages. Since reading a paper is so grandfather’s way, I decided to turn on my TV set. Still to my utter disbelief and utmost surprise the news was all about Obama and his victory! Sarcastic smile. After few minutes I decided to take a bath. I just took my clothes off and did my morning ritual of shooting my dirty clothes in the box in the most eerie place in my unit. I could have been a basketball player but I ended up liking them in another way...
After taking a bath, I had some sun block and lotion, grabbed my favorite shirt and jeans and headed to work. I thought I would make it early to work today. Not until I realized (when I checked my phone) that I had been sailing in the sea of cars known as Buendia for almost an hour. Yeah, you read it right! Almost an hour! A normal creature would never believe me. I almost grabbed my phone and swallow. I wished I were a butterfly that moment. What am I talking about?! What will happen to my dream of going home early now? Crap! I will be at work for another eight hours, which means staying in the biggest ref in the Philippines for eight hours!
I thought I had all the worst experience a human being can ever experience in the morning. Not until I was faced with the officer I have been coaching for almost two weeks now! I refuse to talk about this person with overflowing kindness. I just want to wish that her flow of ideas, comprehension and retention are as overflowing and as abundant as the kindness in her heart which is so evident. I decided to be kind. My character assassination plot of her ends here. It won’t work.
After my session, that’s two hours, I decided to unwind. I thought of walking…my high school Philippine Literature teacher once discussed the benefit of walking to us, and one of the benefits is walking actually relieves stress. So I decided to go on a brisk walk, aimless walk until I spotted a bookstore. I dropped by. I literally dropped by. I didn’t bother to grab a book and read. I know if I do, I will just end up buying a lot of books again. My insatiable desire to get anything I like even if it is not necessary is threatening. I ended up going to McDonalds.
Who doesn’t want to be refreshed after such an energy-sucking day?! I was in the midst of enjoying my meal when a woman, whom I suspected to be kind of sluttish, screamed! I thought, she just felt someone’s fingers running through her stockings. But now…two guys were almost killing each other. What a wonderful sight! I felt like I were one of them. I had a great release.
I went home early. I’m supposed to leave my office late but I decided to take a rest early and spend the rest of my day so creatively by watching the not-s0-pleasing news on economic crises and the very optimistic faces of Americans on the afternoon newscast. Secretly, I loathe myself for going home. It is only when I’m home that I feel so alone in the world. After my bloody day (it almost became literally bloody!) I don’t know it could get worse. I would never wish it to be worse or I could die a very disappointing death.
Well, this is Philippines; this is how things go in here. I survived. I always do everyday.
I just hope tomorrow’s going to be a luckier day for me. I would hate to think that adjectives do have superlatives…my day couldn’t be worse but it could be worst! WTF!
After taking a bath, I had some sun block and lotion, grabbed my favorite shirt and jeans and headed to work. I thought I would make it early to work today. Not until I realized (when I checked my phone) that I had been sailing in the sea of cars known as Buendia for almost an hour. Yeah, you read it right! Almost an hour! A normal creature would never believe me. I almost grabbed my phone and swallow. I wished I were a butterfly that moment. What am I talking about?! What will happen to my dream of going home early now? Crap! I will be at work for another eight hours, which means staying in the biggest ref in the Philippines for eight hours!
I thought I had all the worst experience a human being can ever experience in the morning. Not until I was faced with the officer I have been coaching for almost two weeks now! I refuse to talk about this person with overflowing kindness. I just want to wish that her flow of ideas, comprehension and retention are as overflowing and as abundant as the kindness in her heart which is so evident. I decided to be kind. My character assassination plot of her ends here. It won’t work.
After my session, that’s two hours, I decided to unwind. I thought of walking…my high school Philippine Literature teacher once discussed the benefit of walking to us, and one of the benefits is walking actually relieves stress. So I decided to go on a brisk walk, aimless walk until I spotted a bookstore. I dropped by. I literally dropped by. I didn’t bother to grab a book and read. I know if I do, I will just end up buying a lot of books again. My insatiable desire to get anything I like even if it is not necessary is threatening. I ended up going to McDonalds.
Who doesn’t want to be refreshed after such an energy-sucking day?! I was in the midst of enjoying my meal when a woman, whom I suspected to be kind of sluttish, screamed! I thought, she just felt someone’s fingers running through her stockings. But now…two guys were almost killing each other. What a wonderful sight! I felt like I were one of them. I had a great release.
I went home early. I’m supposed to leave my office late but I decided to take a rest early and spend the rest of my day so creatively by watching the not-s0-pleasing news on economic crises and the very optimistic faces of Americans on the afternoon newscast. Secretly, I loathe myself for going home. It is only when I’m home that I feel so alone in the world. After my bloody day (it almost became literally bloody!) I don’t know it could get worse. I would never wish it to be worse or I could die a very disappointing death.
Well, this is Philippines; this is how things go in here. I survived. I always do everyday.
I just hope tomorrow’s going to be a luckier day for me. I would hate to think that adjectives do have superlatives…my day couldn’t be worse but it could be worst! WTF!
Monday, January 19, 2009
BIG BASH for 09 @ BLADZ's!
Yeah, I found a new home just before the eyar ends.
How does it feel to spend New Year away from home?
I’d answer it with another question. What’s the difference?
I have been celebrating New Year alone several times.
When asked how about this New Year? How does it feel celebrating it alone?
Well, I didn’t celebrate it alone. In fact after years of celebrating New Year away from home, this 2009 is something I consider so different. I feel like I’m writing like a high school kid here perhaps because I enjoyed New Year again like a kid. The last time I can remember that I celebrated the breaking of the years so cheerily was when I was six years old. I never imagined I would have the same experience again at 26. This must be a lucky year for me. I keep my fingers crossed.
Maybe one is lucky if he gets a good job, a happy love life, an interesting collection of books, luxurious cars, grandiose mansion, and an opportunity to strut the globe. At the end of the day that person can claim that this world has been so friendly to him, that fate nurtured him with passion and that luck decided to espouse him. One might have nothing to ask for.
I’d answer it with another question. What’s the difference?
I have been celebrating New Year alone several times.
When asked how about this New Year? How does it feel celebrating it alone?
Well, I didn’t celebrate it alone. In fact after years of celebrating New Year away from home, this 2009 is something I consider so different. I feel like I’m writing like a high school kid here perhaps because I enjoyed New Year again like a kid. The last time I can remember that I celebrated the breaking of the years so cheerily was when I was six years old. I never imagined I would have the same experience again at 26. This must be a lucky year for me. I keep my fingers crossed.
Maybe one is lucky if he gets a good job, a happy love life, an interesting collection of books, luxurious cars, grandiose mansion, and an opportunity to strut the globe. At the end of the day that person can claim that this world has been so friendly to him, that fate nurtured him with passion and that luck decided to espouse him. One might have nothing to ask for.
Typing those beautiful things painted a grin on my face. Yeah, I know I don’t have most of them, I might not have all of them but I always brag that I always meet people that I can be proud of, people that are comparable to the most expensive gems and the most sought after fame, people that someone who has everything in life must have been wanting to find but he is just so unlucky to not find one. I gave a pat on my shoulder, “You have just gotten the best achievement this year. What others got-promotion, wealth, so much fun etc. is nothing compared to what you’ve gotten.”
Yeah, perhaps I’m luckier than anyone else. I was welcomed to a family of great folks. I was allowed to be a part of a home that for some is just a dream, for others an ideal picture. How ecstatic it is to feel that I might not be with my family but I can always go to these people and feel complete, and feel that I’m the most wanted person on earth. It pleases me so much to realize that it is only in that house that I don’t have to be another person, that I don’t have to work to be recognized, that I don’t have to keep on dreaming of having a family because I get all that I wanted.
Maybe this year is a lucky one because I started it with people who have become so important to me. I spent it with the people who made my faith stronger, with someone who makes me feel good and trusts me amidst all the negative things he sees in me. I could never ask for more at all.
What else can I say but THANK YOU for this beautiful year…
Yeah, perhaps I’m luckier than anyone else. I was welcomed to a family of great folks. I was allowed to be a part of a home that for some is just a dream, for others an ideal picture. How ecstatic it is to feel that I might not be with my family but I can always go to these people and feel complete, and feel that I’m the most wanted person on earth. It pleases me so much to realize that it is only in that house that I don’t have to be another person, that I don’t have to work to be recognized, that I don’t have to keep on dreaming of having a family because I get all that I wanted.
Maybe this year is a lucky one because I started it with people who have become so important to me. I spent it with the people who made my faith stronger, with someone who makes me feel good and trusts me amidst all the negative things he sees in me. I could never ask for more at all.
What else can I say but THANK YOU for this beautiful year…
Big Bash for Christmas
THE ALCOHOL
THE PICTURES
THE PLACE
THE ELEGANCE
THE FASHION
THE MOVE
THE POISE
THE PARTY
Til next Christmas!
This is Me
MY TRAGEDY I’m a twisted thinker. I think beyond the limits of one’s thinking, I see beyond dimensions, I talk beyond others' understanding. I’m here to neither please someone nor win his approval. I am here as a person of his powerful thinking, driven by cognitive reasons, motivated by emotional dissatisfactions, pushed by intrinsic longings, held back by physical constraints, hindered by imperfections... Trying to go on, wishing to stand steadfast after every stumble, hoping to show courage in every challenge, striving to better in every failure…I’m clinging to the finest thread of hope as I grope for love in the darkness, wishing to beat time and fate. I am hoping to outshine the radiance of the day, wanting to beat the darkness of the night. Espousing the most ambitious desire to man the world, to control time, to control people.. Born to win yet continuously fail… still struggling, winning my star in the dark universe. Armored with unsurpassed willingness to love and be loved I ventured into a journey for character building. Trying to be a better person for someone…A false dream, for as soon as I open my eyes that someone is gone in the darkness, like a shadow that someone faded away…and gone forever… tried to hold him yet my fist clasped nothing…in opened my palms…a realization sunk in me. He is beyond my reach. I though I am ready to hold him, the elusive someone…I wasn’t… . I’m going to cry forever.Like a play the curtain covered the stage where my drama has been presented. The theater is silent again. The noise had passed…Life takes over, reality takes its place. So this is it. This is what is real. EMPTY THEATER…echoes of inaudible noises. MY PLAY IS A TRAGEDY. I COULD HAVE MADE IT COMEDY…I COULD HAVE MADE IT LIGHTER…LIKE A FAIRYTALE…but it has ended. THE CURTAIN HAS BEEN CLOSED I bade the shadow good bye...I know deep in my heart that shadow remains forever... LOVED and CAREDWHAT I WASI go beyond dimensions...I hate silence. I always find way to make noise, I want noise. I like noise.Perhaps, I can't do away from it. I guess, I shouldn't.In the silence of the night, when there is no one to talk to, to confide with but myself, I came into a realization. There is noise in silence. Deep inside me, I know the commotion never stopped, day and night. It neither haunts nor it threatens. It keeps me company... Isn't it nice? At least I'll never be alone-my greatest fear.
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